Self Sabotage

Dear Self:

Why is it that when you decide to go hardcore on program and adjust your eating and exercise accordingly, and do really well to lose excess weight again, that once you get to a certain number, you decide that self sabotage is needed?

Why do you let the number on the scale dictate your happinesss and your worth every day and then once the scale gets stuck once yet again, do you feel the need to throw in the towel, do a complete 180 and start going on crazy binges yet again?

Why do you give up when you are so close to a goal that you can taste it and feel the need to eat and eat until you feel sick and the scale goes up, up and up.

Are you scared of seeing a number? Are you afraid that you won't be pretty when you are thin? Are you hiding from someone? Are you hiding from yourself? Do you need fat on your body to feel hidden from the world and to fall into oblivion?

Why do you insist on doing this to yourself, making yourself miserable and digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole? Into a funk?

Why?

Why do you sabotage your own success? Why do you continue to ruin your chances to feel good about yourself? Why do you punish yourself constantly? What exactly are you afraid of?

UGH.

And every time, I have to pick myself up and dust myself up and pick my self-esteem up from the toilet do you have to whisper "What is one more cookie? One more ice cream?". "Why can't you just eat and eat and eat?".

This ghost of addiction is haunting. It's destructive. It's depleting. It's frustrating.

It takes every ounce of strength I have to pick myself up, dust myself up and begin again.

To not let the scale solely define me.

But every day is a new beginning, isn't it?

Dawn